It hurts, when you don't know why.

It is so painful to feel this feeling, over and over again. I know when I'm feeling low, that it gets better - it always does. But now that i am in the moment of feeling low and depressed, I can feel this tiredness i keep feeling every time I'm here. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It makes me feel so alien and extremely hopeless, and it is all just so surreal because i know Ive felt this feeling many times and then it passes. And that's why its so damn hard. Because it feels like i am finally taking some steps forward, but i end up in the same place. Like going in a circle.

Is my entire life going to play out like this? A circle of emotions. Am i going to have to play this game my whole life?

Its not really fair is it, that i have to deal with this - then get better, only to get worse again. It is a real torture. A real nasty game. Where no matter how many times you win, you still lose.

Is this just the game of life for me? Do i have to keep going in circles until I am no longer moving? I hate to think this way, but sometimes I have to, forced to; by nature of this circle.

I don't even know the rules to this game, it really doesn't feel like there are any. Its just ordered chaos.

Chaotic, yet so perfect in form. Repetition of these cycles that are incredibly messy. The most perfect of imperfect rhythms.

It hurts, but sometimes without this hurt - i don't feel alive.

It hurts.

Friends and lovers.

What is a friend? I've been challenged with this question a lot recently. Of course the answer will be different for each person, I have no doubt, but, what makes a friend to me? It's a challenging question for me because it seems to change often. This change is slowing down, but it's still there.

Sometimes a friend is someone who I can laugh with and just relax with. At other times a friend is someone who can be with me at my worst, and still enjoy me at my best. And rarely, a friend is something I feel I don't have at all.

You know, sometimes the whole friendship thing seems so weak and unreal. Like its just something us humans form to feel accepted and loved. But when I really think I need one of these friends, I can't think of anyone.

Now that is a little bit depressing, but at times that's what I believe, probably due to my mental perceptions that are sometimes warped and fragile.

Tonight is one of those times.

Here I am, on a 'Friday Night' without a friend in the world. This may all sound very trivial, but I'm not sure if I care. It is after all how I feel, and feelings are real as ever. I sent a text to a friend saying we should spend some time to chill, and another to one of my other friends. I get a reply from one friend saying we will at a communal event, and i do not get a response from the other. I text the first one back a few times, with no response back.

This in itself is not a big deal at all, i personally don't like texting very much at all. But it makes me think, if you wont communicate with me now, why should I? It makes me look into their personalities a little bit deeper than I really should.

You know what just happened right now? I get a text from a friend saying ''There's a spiritual event tomorrow, and you should definitely come''. Now that's a little bit funny.

I guess it all comes down to that feeling of being shut out, or shot down. I feel I put myself out there for the taking whenever and wherever, and I really do. All of my friends are witnesses. But, when it comes to them, I feel quite let down.

This is NOT a rant against my friends, they are all lovely people. It's just an insight into my own thinking and feelings. Just what it is I want from friendships, or if these are at all friendships that I have.

I hate feeling like this you know, like people are all fake, that there is no real connection between people. Like we are all in it to just have fun as selfish beings, and when it comes to someone elses happiness it isnt relevant.

Today I found myself saying ''My ultimate happiness is knowing that others are happy, and that I make others happy. But why can't I be happy? Why can't someone make me happy?''. That's the ill feeling. And I feel like it's due to my own feelings of alienation, some weird deep mental psychological workings, and that really is the tragedy of it all.

Why do I not have 1 'friend' who can make me happy when I am my most unhappy. Is it because I am who I am?

I used to have major trust issues, where I wouldn't let anyone become close to me at all in a spiritual, emotional and bonding sense. I would keep things superficial and keep a wall between the person and my heart; all for my own protection. I didn't have the spare energy to expend on being hurt by people, so I didn't let anyone in. I don't want to admit this, or 'say-it-out-loud' but I think it might just be about time.

If friends can have me, but i cannot have friends, than that is just wrong. And it is time to change that.

I guess I have been hurt. No, that is exactly what it is. Hurt and abandoned. Let down by certain things and people. And please, do not get me wrong here, this could all very well be due to my own expectations or perceptions, but somehow it just doesn't feel like it.

A while ago, I let down that wall, I let many people in very close to me, and now it hurts like hell. Back in the place where I was before, reconstructing this wall of mine. Because again, I do not have the energy to be hurt like this, to feel this alien, to be used by people and then be so transparent to others in time of need.

It just has to happen.

So what does this mean? It means I can no longer sacrifice my own happiness and time for others. I need to learn that hoping for a drop of happiness from others is just one way to become unhappy. I need to learn how to be alone yet not lonely; this is one of my ultimate battles. I need to realise that humans are humans and each person fends for themselves. I need to familiarize myself with the fact that I am incredibly empathetic and sympathetic but many people are not; this is where my problem stems.

I cannot continuously be disappointed and left on my own when I thought I had people to call friends. I cannot keep doing this to myself, its unfair. I mean seriously, who do you think I am? I love you, I love everyone so deeply, and that is why this can hurt so much. Something as simply as a few bad days of being ignored; it can leave an itch. An itch that I keep scratching out of frustration and melancholy that eventually turns into a wound.

When I am on my own, and I am upset, or I have a panic attack, or I feel insecure (paranoid) or just in a state of depression and I call out to you for company, this is something that is extremely hard for me to do. And it is like you just throw it all away. And there I am, more alone, more upset and more heavily depressed than before.

I have so much love for each and everyone I have 'let in', when they ask for company, I feel privileged that they have asked me. That in their hard time, it is me that is allowed into that space. That I am being looked to for comfort and ease. And I do everything I can because of the love I have, and the feeling of mutual trust.

I may not be able to do my best at all times in that regard, but man I try to my utmost capacity. I wish that I could feel that feeling, I wish I could feel that, receive that.

Anyway, I just don't know what to do any more. I feel as if I have exhausted all my internal resources and I need to restock. It's just enough.

I don't write this to guilt anyone, nor to receive pity. I write because it feels good. Because when I see it all here, in black and white, it becomes more valid. And if you can feel what I can feel, perhaps that is the start of some understanding, some change. And that is far more than I could expect.

Perhaps if I isolate myself, just for a while, I will isolate myself from these terrible feelings. I can only hope.

Love, peace and more love.

Dr. Nourozi: Prescription: Isolation

My world, my words.

Take my words, they're all I have. Know them to be true and pure and sweet scented.
Take a seat on my throne, and become everything I have ever known.
I can't stop going to where I'm going until you start going with me.
Help me find my feet again, so we can move forward.
Take my words, take them from my bare dirty hands.
Keep them warm, its the most precious thing I could ever give you.
My world, my words.

I really love.

After watching a couple documentaries from the 'Extraordinary People', one about 'The boy who sees with no eyes' and 'The girl with the new face' I felt completely overwhelmed with the majestic and beautiful nature of humans. I felt completely humble and meek and I couldn't help but shed a few tears, as I still am.

It just made me realize again, that we are each such beautiful beings - even with our flaws. The flaws are what make us beautiful. You do not look at a rose that is missing a few petals and think it is ugly, do you? You cannot tell me that a tree growing some moss is ugly, can you? It is all beautiful, flaws included.

I just felt compelled to write about this overflowing feeling of love I have for humanity right now. I just felt like giving the people in those documentaries a giant hug, and to tell them how beautiful they are.

Yes, yes I do.

I never want anyone to feel ugly, to feel alienated, to feel alone or hopeless. I feel like love is the answer to all those feelings, and I really do love everyone, it's just sometimes I am more aware of it.

We really are capable of more things than we can ever know. Humans are just so remarkable, that there are no limits apart from what we limit ourselves to. I mean, this child who lost his eyesight (as explained in the documentary) taught himself how to see using sounds to create 'visual-maps'. Who would have ever thought this was possible?

Everything, everyone is just so beautiful. Beautiful in the way that thousands of events have shaped them into who they are. Beautiful in the way that there are millions of personality traits for each person that makes them different to all others. Beautiful of their ambitions they have somehow aspired to along their journey. Beautiful in every sense.

I suppose I am finally being able to see people not as 'people', but as souls. To feel their feeling and to regard them not as their external presentation, but the psychology behind it, the pure beauty of the apparent nature of that person. I can feel that humble and noble spirit in each person, and that is why it is so beautiful to me. Because we are all just human, and that's the best bit.

Sometimes, the hardest part of life is to just be yourself. But it is also the most b-e-a-utiful.

Dr.Nourozi: Diagnoses - Beauty in Diversity.

Mental illness is a real killer!

I tell you I'm alone and you say I'm not. but are you willing to help? No, and nor do I expect you to. It's the same for other people I know. They're just like you - or my family. That's why i feel like an alien. And now - right now, in this moment, I need someone. I need human love. I need presence. But I am dreaming. All i have is this laptop and a handful of tears.

Why aren't i allowed to be miserable and have a friend to just be with me.
Why aren't i allowed that?

I do not have a safety net. I sit here crying and tearing out my hair and there's no one, no one who can do anything.

Why is it that the only things i can rely on are my pills, weed and alcohol.
My eating disorder never leaves me - its always here.
My depression and anxiety always keeps me company.
But not a friend in the world will do the same.


I don't have real friends. It's just me and my mind. I get angry. Because I knew someone who took their life and I just don't know why there was no one, no one to be a friend. I feel embarrassed by that. That this world allows that. Why are people so afraid to help someone with nothing? People who lead happy normal healthy lives.

Why is it so hard for people to help other people. Why? Why is this such an impossible task and what is it people are risking? Why do they feel like there is a risk and why is it that people do not want to help people who need people? They think its a scary ground; warning signs everywhere. I feel for everyone suffering for people who need to die to feel better! If there was just one or two people who were people.

I feel for them now. Why is it that people only grieve when its too late?  I cant die, because I have to live for others. I have to do something about this. The world is not a fair place, but if i can make it seem a little warmer for one person; for everyone than maybe it will all be worth it. But I can't because I need that person too.

I alone can do it, but I cant do it alone!

If you cant be with someone at their worst, why should you enjoy them when they're at their best?
And you know whats really hard? That i have progressed leaps at a time in the last year or so. But no one gives me credit. People are still too afraid to accept this change. To acknowledge and treat me as the person i really am today.

Every now and then I need someone to just be with me. to give me a hug. to hear my cries. But nobody will.
I don't want someone to be there for me all the time - I don't need that anyway.

I need hugs to remember i am human and people are human too!
But people are just too afraid.
Afraid of who i am, or more accurately, who i was.

I fight with everything I have every day. I try to live for others and lead a normal healthy life but year after year I'm reduced to this mess. If it was up to me, I would not be in this situation because, you see, there are more devious things at work here. I'm not the only part to play in who I am.

I am alone and anyone who is someone just can't do it. They just cant be here. This is why I'm an alien. No one can be here because of who I am; I'm alone - I am!

And what do i even expect or want from telling you this? by giving you a glimpse of my current agony? nothing.and in truth, is what i receive. because this is just the way it works for me.alone.

This is why people die of mental illness.

It's a real killer.