Friends and lovers.

What is a friend? I've been challenged with this question a lot recently. Of course the answer will be different for each person, I have no doubt, but, what makes a friend to me? It's a challenging question for me because it seems to change often. This change is slowing down, but it's still there.

Sometimes a friend is someone who I can laugh with and just relax with. At other times a friend is someone who can be with me at my worst, and still enjoy me at my best. And rarely, a friend is something I feel I don't have at all.

You know, sometimes the whole friendship thing seems so weak and unreal. Like its just something us humans form to feel accepted and loved. But when I really think I need one of these friends, I can't think of anyone.

Now that is a little bit depressing, but at times that's what I believe, probably due to my mental perceptions that are sometimes warped and fragile.

Tonight is one of those times.

Here I am, on a 'Friday Night' without a friend in the world. This may all sound very trivial, but I'm not sure if I care. It is after all how I feel, and feelings are real as ever. I sent a text to a friend saying we should spend some time to chill, and another to one of my other friends. I get a reply from one friend saying we will at a communal event, and i do not get a response from the other. I text the first one back a few times, with no response back.

This in itself is not a big deal at all, i personally don't like texting very much at all. But it makes me think, if you wont communicate with me now, why should I? It makes me look into their personalities a little bit deeper than I really should.

You know what just happened right now? I get a text from a friend saying ''There's a spiritual event tomorrow, and you should definitely come''. Now that's a little bit funny.

I guess it all comes down to that feeling of being shut out, or shot down. I feel I put myself out there for the taking whenever and wherever, and I really do. All of my friends are witnesses. But, when it comes to them, I feel quite let down.

This is NOT a rant against my friends, they are all lovely people. It's just an insight into my own thinking and feelings. Just what it is I want from friendships, or if these are at all friendships that I have.

I hate feeling like this you know, like people are all fake, that there is no real connection between people. Like we are all in it to just have fun as selfish beings, and when it comes to someone elses happiness it isnt relevant.

Today I found myself saying ''My ultimate happiness is knowing that others are happy, and that I make others happy. But why can't I be happy? Why can't someone make me happy?''. That's the ill feeling. And I feel like it's due to my own feelings of alienation, some weird deep mental psychological workings, and that really is the tragedy of it all.

Why do I not have 1 'friend' who can make me happy when I am my most unhappy. Is it because I am who I am?

I used to have major trust issues, where I wouldn't let anyone become close to me at all in a spiritual, emotional and bonding sense. I would keep things superficial and keep a wall between the person and my heart; all for my own protection. I didn't have the spare energy to expend on being hurt by people, so I didn't let anyone in. I don't want to admit this, or 'say-it-out-loud' but I think it might just be about time.

If friends can have me, but i cannot have friends, than that is just wrong. And it is time to change that.

I guess I have been hurt. No, that is exactly what it is. Hurt and abandoned. Let down by certain things and people. And please, do not get me wrong here, this could all very well be due to my own expectations or perceptions, but somehow it just doesn't feel like it.

A while ago, I let down that wall, I let many people in very close to me, and now it hurts like hell. Back in the place where I was before, reconstructing this wall of mine. Because again, I do not have the energy to be hurt like this, to feel this alien, to be used by people and then be so transparent to others in time of need.

It just has to happen.

So what does this mean? It means I can no longer sacrifice my own happiness and time for others. I need to learn that hoping for a drop of happiness from others is just one way to become unhappy. I need to learn how to be alone yet not lonely; this is one of my ultimate battles. I need to realise that humans are humans and each person fends for themselves. I need to familiarize myself with the fact that I am incredibly empathetic and sympathetic but many people are not; this is where my problem stems.

I cannot continuously be disappointed and left on my own when I thought I had people to call friends. I cannot keep doing this to myself, its unfair. I mean seriously, who do you think I am? I love you, I love everyone so deeply, and that is why this can hurt so much. Something as simply as a few bad days of being ignored; it can leave an itch. An itch that I keep scratching out of frustration and melancholy that eventually turns into a wound.

When I am on my own, and I am upset, or I have a panic attack, or I feel insecure (paranoid) or just in a state of depression and I call out to you for company, this is something that is extremely hard for me to do. And it is like you just throw it all away. And there I am, more alone, more upset and more heavily depressed than before.

I have so much love for each and everyone I have 'let in', when they ask for company, I feel privileged that they have asked me. That in their hard time, it is me that is allowed into that space. That I am being looked to for comfort and ease. And I do everything I can because of the love I have, and the feeling of mutual trust.

I may not be able to do my best at all times in that regard, but man I try to my utmost capacity. I wish that I could feel that feeling, I wish I could feel that, receive that.

Anyway, I just don't know what to do any more. I feel as if I have exhausted all my internal resources and I need to restock. It's just enough.

I don't write this to guilt anyone, nor to receive pity. I write because it feels good. Because when I see it all here, in black and white, it becomes more valid. And if you can feel what I can feel, perhaps that is the start of some understanding, some change. And that is far more than I could expect.

Perhaps if I isolate myself, just for a while, I will isolate myself from these terrible feelings. I can only hope.

Love, peace and more love.

Dr. Nourozi: Prescription: Isolation