It is so painful to feel this feeling, over and over again. I know when I'm feeling low, that it gets better - it always does. But now that i am in the moment of feeling low and depressed, I can feel this tiredness i keep feeling every time I'm here. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It makes me feel so alien and extremely hopeless, and it is all just so surreal because i know Ive felt this feeling many times and then it passes. And that's why its so damn hard. Because it feels like i am finally taking some steps forward, but i end up in the same place. Like going in a circle.
Is my entire life going to play out like this? A circle of emotions. Am i going to have to play this game my whole life?
Its not really fair is it, that i have to deal with this - then get better, only to get worse again. It is a real torture. A real nasty game. Where no matter how many times you win, you still lose.
Is this just the game of life for me? Do i have to keep going in circles until I am no longer moving? I hate to think this way, but sometimes I have to, forced to; by nature of this circle.
I don't even know the rules to this game, it really doesn't feel like there are any. Its just ordered chaos.
Chaotic, yet so perfect in form. Repetition of these cycles that are incredibly messy. The most perfect of imperfect rhythms.
It hurts, but sometimes without this hurt - i don't feel alive.
It hurts.
0 comments:
Post a Comment