Personality Disorder - Me.

It doesnt seem to get much easier does it? I feel like a toddler with a 400 year old mind. I seem to deteriorate with every breathe i take. I will admit, some days im on a euphoric high. No, nothing at all can stop me, nothing can hurt me, nothing can alter me - but then i sleep and awake a completely different person. Its quite scary to have such a fragile state of mind. I've really forgotten how to trust myself - because its tricky to know who exactly i am when i can change with a blink of an eye. What is reality then, i must ask myself everyday.

Reality is our thought, as they say. I think therefore i am, as they say. But sometimes i really hope the greatest philosophers are flawed. That are reality is NOT our thought but rather our true desires. Besides, what are thoughts anyway? Simply electro-activity in our brains. Firing away whether we like it or not.

Sometimes i feel like im a beautiful young lady, with a great future and present. At other times, i find myself in the pitts of despair and anguish. This is the true nature of personality disorders; one day your this person, the next your that person. And my God, is it confusing! I dont know who to trust, i dont know whether to feel what i feel, i dont know whether i want what i think i want or what i truely need. I dont know who my friends are, or whether i have enemies. I dont even know what i feel like eating, or what clothes i like.

A way in which i can describe this personality disorder i have is being in the eye of a tornado. Everything seems like its happening around you and there is turmoil and destruction wherever you look. Things come and go quicker than your eyes can follow and it all gets very chaotic. But there you are, in the middle witnessing everything about you changing. You're not even sure where to look or how to think about getting out because its just so overwhelming. You try taking a step forward but you just get sucked back into the middle - a never-ending struggle to nowhere. It makes you think, why even bother? It's never going to stop its ferociousness. But then, it all stops and you feel like you mastered it! You feel like you survived the impossible and you think you have true eternal clarity, and you forget that you are in the midst of a ever-giving storm. This just repeats, over and over, and you get ever so tired but you can't stop nature.

There have been very few things in my life that have been consistent. These include my desire to get better, my family, my naive aim for perfection, my feelings of inadequacy and finally the earths continuous orbit.

Sometimes it seems easier to look down and pretend i'm invisible. To isolate myself from everybody elses reality. To put on my special sunglasses and see what i wish were real. To close my eyes and live purely as my soul. To create a fantasy where things were just OK. But this world doesnt allow for that; it shoves 'reality' into my face almost every second. Theres no hiding in this exposed world. So i have to deal with it the best i can.

I have to deal with it.
I always do, don't i?

Dr.Nourozi - Diagnoses: Personality Disorder.