New Years Revolution

I don’t want a new years resolution, I want a new years REVOLUTION!

Its new years day, 1/1/2012. I like to think that means that it’s a fresh start, but isn’t every day? We go to sleep, into a coma, into death and we awaken newly born into the world. New opportunities, new obstacles, new air, new visions. Every time we blink, we see something new. Every breath we take, we give our bodies life. Every song we listen to instills new calm into us. Our lives are filled with new, but this is a New Year, and im going to take advantdage of the tradition of fresh starts.

What does this mean to me? What to I want to be new? What do I want to be old? Life is a confusing thing isn’t it. It makes me smile while I cry, almost every day.

What do I want? I want happiness, I want security, I want creativity, I want love, I want peace.

What don’t I want? I don’t want despair, I don’t want insecurity, I don’t want inhibition, I don’t want hate, I don’t want discord.

Im alive, I am a entity with power, I am autonomous, I am liberated. I can achieve anything I want to, yet so many mentally created barriers keep me from doing that. Barriers like anxiety, like self-doubt, like fear or rejection, like fear of failure and of disappointment. Fear and loathing.

We are all human beings, all wanting to achieve our goals. Some of us don’t have many, some of us have excessive ambition, but we are all here to do one thing – to fulfil our desires, our hopes, our wishes. This is why it is difficult for me to set new years resolutions, because im not entirely sure what my desires, hopes and wishes are. I only know what I think they are, and I have no doubt these ideas of truth are inaccurate.

I remember reading a book saying that the pursuit of happiness is eternal if we look externally, because the happiness is already within us. It is completely internal, nothing external can change that. Sure, buying new clothes and making a new friend may make us happy, but the reason why it is making us happy is completely internal. The reason those things make us happy is where the key is found. The clothes, the human beings themselves do not contain happiness alone – it is the combination of them and ourselves that create happiness. Therefore, do we not have the power to alter what makes us happy? It is us, we are happiness. It can be created within ourselves – I guess that is what contentment is; its exactly that. Figuring out what makes us happy, why it makes us happy and how. Once we know this, once we know ourselves – only then can we be content.

Recently ive been quite down. Ive been feeling isolated, misunderstood, alone, unloved, betrayed and used. I haven’t had these feelings for a long time, and im unsure of why they have creeped back in, but this year I am going on a journey of self-fulfilment to eradicate these feelings within myself.I don’t like the way I act when I feel these negative feelings. I become needy, hostile, insecure and depressed. I txt people, asking them to come over at stupid hours of the night just so I wont be alone. I want to drink, smoke and lose control of myself. I want to lose myself. 

I forget that I am a good person, that I have great qualities and that I alone can be happy. These days I find it painful to be alone; to be left with my own mind; my anxiety; my unrealistic ideas and thoughts. And I make a fool of myself to try not be alone. It hardly ever works out. I need change. I must change.

Before I said I wanted happiness, security, creativity, love and peace. If I can find it within myself, which is where (I believe) these all stem from, then I will be a much more radiant soul. It seems like everybody’s quest, and I have heard it many many times which is discouraging and also encouraging. It means I am not the only one, but it also means there are many who haven’t found their way to enlightenment.

It makes me really sad, and also very happy. Look at me, where I am, how it feels to be me. I no longer face these same desires as I have already achieved them and exceeded them. Am I happier for it? Well, its all relative isn’t it. I feel like im not much happier, but of course I am! Ive just become accustomed to this level of happiness that it now feels the same as before. But it is clear through seeing the change in goals that I am doing far better now than a year, even 6 months ago. Its funny, sometimes I need to see it in black and white on paper to really be sure ive done it, to be sure ive really progressed. I can smile now without thinking about it, I can open my eyes wide without sedation, I can laugh and cry, I can feel almost every emotion again. I am real again! I cant even imagine what I will be like in a years time, but perhaps I should try?

By 2013 this is what I want to be. I want to be having icecreams with friends, I want to be attending lectures and soaking in the interesting ideas before me, I want to be lying in the sun thinking about life, I want to be praying and meditating daily without the need of repair, I want to sleep cosily at night and have happy dreams, I want to feel liberated and camp out somewhere, I want to play music to other people, I want to laugh and drink smoothies, I want to play gimmicky 80’s games. I want to swim in beaches and regret not putting on sunblock.

Wow, everything ive listed is so simple. It is all pretty much internal happiness, it isn’t material at all. Ive set the mark for real happiness. The mundane things that aren’t so mundane at all – theyre incredible. 

Everything is isn’t it?

Dr.Nourozi; Prescription: Revolution