The meaning of life?

I can't help but feel sometimes I have no purpose here on Earth. I drift into an out-of-body experience where i become my thoughts and my body disappears. I no longer exist, only in my thoughts. My very existence becomes absurd, it becomes almost arbitrary and pointless. I stare into space thinking, 'where am I and why am I here? What am I even doing and why am I doing it?'. A lot of the time this happens to me.

I imagine that if I for some reason were to die right here, right now - what would be the immediate consequences? Would there even be any? I mean, once you die, you're dead right. There's nothing you can do about that. One day I will inevitably die and then I will no longer be. If that day were to be today, would it matter? Sure, the loved ones would mourn and slowly become used to the idea that I am no longer physically present here. But then what? That's all.

What was I placed on this earth to do, and who decides that? If i exist solely in isolation and do nothing, would that matter? And if it didn't, then does anything I do, or don't do matter?

I had a major disassociation episode last night where I was in a state of pure existence. I could feel myself being pushed into the earth by gravity, i could feel my lungs being filled with air and feel my mind sorting noises and my environment into order. And for a moment i thought - is this death? Am i already dead and just think i am alive because my inner workings are still functioning? What is the difference between life and death?

I have friends, I have a beautiful family, i have ideas and rationale, but do i feel alive? Do i feel like my existence has any meaning or purpose? A lot of the time, be it most of the time, i feel like i do not.

I'm just one human in this ever expanding universe. I carry out actions that i think i should be such as eating and studying to get closer to academic achievement. But does that even matter?

I was talking to a flatmate last night who was in a state of philosophical thought who believed that we are born from the earth, and into the earth we die again. The universe doesn't know about us, and we don't know about it. We die, and others are born. I suppose you could call this a nihilistic way of thinking, but he claims its just realistic. He thought of the human race as a virus to the earth, and the earth is sick. It tries to kill us off with natural disasters and viruses but we continue to replicate quicker than the earth can kill us.

That made me think, there are so many universes within each of us. There is a universe of microscopic beings like bacteria, there is a universe of tiny tiny creatures each with a set of DNA that replicate, there are small insects in which they have their own systems and world, there are animals that communicate with each other and have their own theories, and between that and us there are millions of more universes. Us humans tend to ignore this and think that our lives are the only lives that exist. We are so narrow minded in thinking this, because one galaxy away, there is another set of beings with this same idea, this same construct who are ignorant of us also. So where does our sense of purpose even stem from? Why are we important?

Maybe we aren't and we have been programmed through evolution to think we are in order for the advancement of our species. Maybe we aren't as autonomous as we think and we are in fact controlled by the same mechanisms as the microscopic universe of bacteria. We replicate, we feed, we migrate, we grow. We advance through science and spiritual knowledge - but the universe is ever expanding and there is an infinite amount of knowledge to be sought. We aren't getting closer to anything, we are just figuring out tiny amounts of the infinite amount that there is to be figured out. Why do we bother?

The world is corrupted by its dictators, leaders and by the very core of our societies ideas. It will always be corrupt wont it, because if we lived in a perfect world, we would have to have infinite knowledge, we would have to be God! That can't be possible.

But it is in our DNA to want to progress, to want to make change, to want to exist in our wee worlds that we create for ourselves. It is for some reason that we have a goal and we do what we need to get there.

Maybe we create our own purpose? I want a purpose, but I can't find one. I feel like no matter what I do, it will still amount to nothing in the context of entirety. Even if i revolutionised the entire world, there would be infinite revolutions to come as long as the human race exists. So what is the use? Why don't we just accept infinity into our lives? Because we cannot. As humans we aren't designed to understand infinity. Sure, we may be able to conceptualise and describe it using science and philosophy - but we will never understand it. Maybe that is for our own good, but we were designed this way. From nature, or perhaps from God for the safety of our lives. But there is infinity, its everywhere around us. Everything contains infinity; infinity contains everything.

I am infinite, you are infinite, this world is infinite. The amazing thing about energy is that it cannot be destroyed or created; it can only be changed. But energy is also infinite, so whatever we change, we haven't really changed. Its still the same, just in some other form. Energy will always be energy. When you burn wood, it creates heat. And that heat creates something else, so on so forth. Everything is infinite.

To wrap up this blog post i want to leave you with this: If everything is infinite and we cannot comprehend infinity, then what are we even doing?

What are you doing.

Dr. Nourozi: Diagnoses - Existing in a state of non-existence.