Mental illness is a real killer!

I tell you I'm alone and you say I'm not. but are you willing to help? No, and nor do I expect you to. It's the same for other people I know. They're just like you - or my family. That's why i feel like an alien. And now - right now, in this moment, I need someone. I need human love. I need presence. But I am dreaming. All i have is this laptop and a handful of tears.

Why aren't i allowed to be miserable and have a friend to just be with me.
Why aren't i allowed that?

I do not have a safety net. I sit here crying and tearing out my hair and there's no one, no one who can do anything.

Why is it that the only things i can rely on are my pills, weed and alcohol.
My eating disorder never leaves me - its always here.
My depression and anxiety always keeps me company.
But not a friend in the world will do the same.


I don't have real friends. It's just me and my mind. I get angry. Because I knew someone who took their life and I just don't know why there was no one, no one to be a friend. I feel embarrassed by that. That this world allows that. Why are people so afraid to help someone with nothing? People who lead happy normal healthy lives.

Why is it so hard for people to help other people. Why? Why is this such an impossible task and what is it people are risking? Why do they feel like there is a risk and why is it that people do not want to help people who need people? They think its a scary ground; warning signs everywhere. I feel for everyone suffering for people who need to die to feel better! If there was just one or two people who were people.

I feel for them now. Why is it that people only grieve when its too late?  I cant die, because I have to live for others. I have to do something about this. The world is not a fair place, but if i can make it seem a little warmer for one person; for everyone than maybe it will all be worth it. But I can't because I need that person too.

I alone can do it, but I cant do it alone!

If you cant be with someone at their worst, why should you enjoy them when they're at their best?
And you know whats really hard? That i have progressed leaps at a time in the last year or so. But no one gives me credit. People are still too afraid to accept this change. To acknowledge and treat me as the person i really am today.

Every now and then I need someone to just be with me. to give me a hug. to hear my cries. But nobody will.
I don't want someone to be there for me all the time - I don't need that anyway.

I need hugs to remember i am human and people are human too!
But people are just too afraid.
Afraid of who i am, or more accurately, who i was.

I fight with everything I have every day. I try to live for others and lead a normal healthy life but year after year I'm reduced to this mess. If it was up to me, I would not be in this situation because, you see, there are more devious things at work here. I'm not the only part to play in who I am.

I am alone and anyone who is someone just can't do it. They just cant be here. This is why I'm an alien. No one can be here because of who I am; I'm alone - I am!

And what do i even expect or want from telling you this? by giving you a glimpse of my current agony? nothing.and in truth, is what i receive. because this is just the way it works for me.alone.

This is why people die of mental illness.

It's a real killer.